Self-harm...for attention? Possible.

I have my qualms about self-harm.
I think people are strong for trying to stop.
If they can’t, they’re strong too.
My personal opinions waver in certain situations, and that’s based on one occurrence with a person that self-harmed.
That person was Parker.
I think he is and will be the only person whom I believe self-harmed to get attention.
I only say that because I know firsthand what he was capable of.
I feel that he is capable of going to that extent to gain control over people.
He shared with me that the last time he cut himself was because his ex (before me) broke up with him after cheating on him, and he did it as a form of lashing out.
I still feel he was even suicidal for that same reason (attention), because he has no real control over anything but the physical. He tried to off himself a couple times but failed, but again, I feel that was the intent.

But oh well. That's some other girl's problem...or as I've heard around, more than one.

Closure/Exposure.

"Stop thinking of abusive men as having no self-control and start thinking of them as intelligent, strategic thinkers who strive for control over their partners. These men know what they are doing."


“Controllers, abusers and manipulative people don’t question themselves. They don’t ask themselves if the problem is them. They always say the problem is someone else.”

"[Emotional abuse] can leave the woman wondering if the pain is worth the good times, and even wondering if this is as good as it gets? What if there isn’t anything better? When he distorts the past and blames you for the relationship problems, you may even feel like you are going crazy, and he will certainly do everything he can to imply that you ARE. The truth is, there IS something better. You don’t have to put up with a relationship where you are treated poorly, with disrespect, or emotional cruelty, no matter how infrequent those acts are. And of course, when you do get upset, the abuser will infer that you are overreacting, or “too sensitive”."

"Emotional abusers deny that they have any problems and/or project their problems onto their partner, often accusing their partners of abuse - especially AFTER the partner has woken up and called the abuser on his behavior."

Parker, I wish you were dead. You creep on girls 18 and under. I worked with one of them. You took advantage of my character and took more from me than you could ever understand.

You carry no guilt over any of it. You are POISON. And for your sake, you better hope you never see me in person again.

24

A poem in the style of a birthday card inside-message, for my abuser.

24

Your special day! Today you win.

It's all about you, like it's always been. 

You're celebrated for one side, 

But the more true you is one you hide--

A selfish, dishonest usurper, you.

That's the part of you that only I knew.

The worst guy who just sat when I cried,

And took away my sense of pride.

You knew what you were doing, too;

When you made me a part of you.

Did you like playing all those games?

Did it feel good to make me the blame?

Well, this is for you! A day of guilt-free fun.

But you're still an abuser when it's all done.

No amount of therapy can change any of it; 

So happy birthday, you piece of shit.

"Being your pawn; your idea of a better you sounds great once you forget you are dating a REAL person, with REAL feelings." One of the pages of my zine documenting the emotional abuse in my past relationship. I'm so excited to be almost done!

Just a little something of a "poem" I threw together today. I literally had the best night/morning of my life. So this one will be much less depressing.

New Year's Day

Woke up in the early morning,
My dress is on the floor.
Such blissful commotion
that happened the night before.
It started with a kiss at 12 AM,
it ended at his place.
If new years are supposed to start like this,
in someone's warm embrace--
Then this new year brought me the greatest gift...finally...
a smile, to my face.

I'm just glad that I didn't ring in the new year alone. :)

Poems count, right?

A poem I put together from my journal in Creative Writing class a little while ago. I hope this isn't bad poetry, but then again, I'm reeeeally not a poet, so yeah. Here goes.

You told me you loved me last night.
The next night you, my love, were mine no more.
I now feel pain where I once felt love,
My eyes, once holding desire, now shelter tears.
For now, I must struggle to pick up the pieces
And maybe next time, be as selfish with my love as I can,
So that I can hope to never feel this way again.

So...there it is. Pretty self-conscious about my writing so I don't know how I feel about it. Maybe some more tweaking.

Inspired by Tumblr.

I read other people's Tumblrs a lot, but I rarely if ever update my own. But today I read from a male dom (BDSM, etc) and he posted this and I really liked it and related to it a bit. So I illustrated kind of, hoorayyy. :P~

Taken from this page here.



I made a bruise too! That's where I really feel proud. Never had reason to draw people with bruises, lol.

The reason that "s[he]", "wo[man]" and "[hir]" are in here is because the original post was directed at one sex/gender. There are male/non-binary submissives too, so everyone should have the chance to relate. :)

Oh, hey.

I remember that movie. Well, how about that. :P

These guys right here.

These guys.



They popped into my head so I drew 'em. They're from Ghost World. I'm sure Parker will be very happy because PARKER LOOK AWAY I HAVE TO WHISPER

I think he is obsessed with Enid there on the right...

I know rite?

OKAY PARKER YOU CAN LOOK NOW

BUT DON'T LOOK UP K

So yeah. I'm actually finding time to draw, so I figured I'd attempt at getting better at drawing people. I've gotta get more hours at Panurr somehow, though. Soooo broke. :/

More people!

Dayle's co-workers, I guess. No names or back stories, but I think the girl on the far right is their shift leader due to a different colored shirt. Whatever, lol. Enjoy.

Epic Character Design Time! D:

Some characters I drew from a short story I wrote for Creative Writing class. The assignment was to write a story with the first line being "I like you so much better when you're not poison" and with a female character named Dale. I changed it to Dayle for my story, because HURR DURR WHAT'S WRONG WITH A GIRL HAVING A DIFFERENTLY SPELLED BOY'S NAME RIGHT.



I never thought I'd say it, but I guess I'm better at writing (now) than I thought I was! Because I couldn't write for SHIT when I was in high school unless it was form writing.

This is spontaneously set in the 80s because Dayle, to me, was similar to Daryl, like Daryl Hannah in Splash. So it made it kinda fun to design both characters. Maybe I'll make something more out of these guys. Once I get another six-day break from Panurr, of course. :)

So that hopefully he'll cheer up. Maybe.

Hey baby, it's you, with a smile!

Work's got him down lately and it's affected us too, so yeah.

Maybe it'll work.

Love you. ♥

Some insight into what I've been doing sometimes for one of my final projects for school. :)

New brushes!

Photoshop brushes, that is.

I spent the majority of the day not doing schoolwork working with the brushes I downloaded last night. I got some that look like ink, others that look like watercolor, and weird ones that are drawings someone else did so I'll probably not use those ever, lol. So I did some playing around with them, they're pretty sweet.



Some scary-looking storm clouds, amirite? D:

And for those who are probably more cheerful:



LENS FLAAAARE.

Okay, off to finish schoolwork and soothe this stiff neck I got. :(

Month-iversary. :P

Kinda hate that word...but ah well. Happy six-months, baby. ♥



Drawn with the tablet semi-given to me. It's complicated. :P

Frat mattress.

lol, even I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Watercolor on not-watercolor paper.

Toaster!

Sooo, the toaster I made has improved greatly over the last few weeks! And by weeks, I mean the weeks I wasn't out of school because of my recently departed grandmother, going to Atlantic City for Rocky Con, or the strep I got shortly after returning from Atlantic City (I only planned to be out for a day! Seriously?!).

So anyway, I was able to go from the dumpy toaster to THIS. AWESOME. SCENE. over the past few weeks of learning about the different textures and lighting I can apply to things. I'm pretty proud of it. I also made the toaster fly but that's for the project/too big a file for the likes of Blogger. But you guys can see this:



I know. I'm proud of it too. :D And it's only getting better.

Midterm! :D

This term, I have Materials and Lighting, where we take things we model in Maya and add textures and realistic lighting to them.

It's not finished juuuust yet, but this is going to be my midterm project, which is supposed to be a man-made object. It's my tribute to the Flying Toasters screensaver. Exciting, I know. :P But I'm liking it so far. My instructor? Mayyybe not as much. I'm never sure with him. lol



Yay.

I know 3D...fu. o__o

It's true. Almost. The first is my midterm project, where we had to design rooms. Some of my other classmates designed whole houses, going "above and beyond" the call of duty. I guess. lol, they also figured that one of our hip professors (because he really is hip) would live somewhere like this. I totally agree. So I think I'll name it "Haycraft House". I like the name already. XD

Mine is kinda abstract (because I refuse to say "disproportionate"), but it's still modern. Can you tell that I'm an art student? Bullshitting is second nature to me. :)



The second is my lazy cop-out of a final project. That's right, final. It's a punk rubber duck. But you know what? I learned something. I learned how to texture the body. I didn't know how to do that before. I DESERVE AN A PLUS PLUS.



Isn't it awesome? You wish you even KNEW how to make this shit. YEAH. D:

Update: I got an 86 in the class! YEEEEAH. D:

And by artsplosion, I mean like two pictures. :P

I'm getting better at this watercolor stuff! :D